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2010年7月12日星期一

迈入全新的里程碑

不知不觉,我已停笔了很长一段时间。

命运似乎不想我有闲下来的一刻,很多事情都发生得很紧凑,似乎还有点环环相扣。总而言之,我已成为了一名大学生是铁一般的事实,自此我想生活应该不再颓废,紧凑的日子会这么一直延续下去。

迎新周真的是一个难忘的回忆。在此之前,我还曾多次上网请教一些前辈,还因此听到一些消息而感到胆怯。但结论却再一次地证明了我确实是一个典型的杞人忧天,多愁善感的人。因为定点的不确定而想退缩,却在不得不面对时才惊觉一切不过就是这么地自然,所谓船到桥头自然直,我却总认为我的船只必定会在途中遭殃,这种性格不晓得要多少光阴去改变,但我坚信上天必定会安排最好的路给我。

说到迎新周,虽然一个星期里平均睡不过十个小时,但我却奇迹似的没埋怨过分毫,也许是因为作为一个有相当年历的夜鬼的我来说,这其实不算什么吧?无奈我竟然在最重要的日子睡过钟点。庆幸的是我似乎没成为公众敌人。

说到最难忘的一天,应该就属宿舍村的传统和最后一晚的“大战礼堂”吧!第一次在公众场合释放内在疯狂的自己,也许人生里就只有这么一次吧?淹没在人群,竭尽全力去叫嚣,去呐喊,去骂喊。感觉像是一次disco的体验,脑海里只充斥着把全部的烦躁给释放出来的想法。

迎新周的结束,意味着一个真正的大学生活将来临。作为一个大学新生,同时也作为一个半年没碰过课业本的人,我多少都感到不安,但却有更多的期待,期待着我快点儿学习到我说感兴趣的东西。

世上无难事,只怕有心人。我坚信自己能驾驭这一切。

2009年10月20日星期二

中六毕业典礼

下个星期一学校会有个为我们Upper Six生特别举办的毕业典礼。

策划人说这个毕业典礼与大学的毕业典礼有80%相似。或许真的有80%相似也说不定,但剩下的20%不相似,包括毕业典礼得穿校服,还有其他零零碎碎的事使得很多朋友都却步。

老实说,我多少都感到有点沮丧。这个毕业典礼说不定是中六毕业以前,最后一次与大家在校外相聚的日子了,但部分朋友仍对毕业典礼不满而欲缺席。继上一年的Putra一日游,直到今年的Taman Burung&Aquaria一日游,到不久前的三日两夜Kem Jom Skor“A”,没有一次是人齐的……

毕业以后大家都各自飞了。几可还有机会能在上课时间以外聚在一起?

虽然我不知道其他同学如何看待这个毕业典礼。浪费钱?浪费时间?约束多多?但对我而言,这也许是我第一次也是最后一次的在校美满回忆。


每每阅读某些日本的校园青春漫画,看着毕业旅行,看着校外考察,看着那些虚拟却那么美丽的回忆。我就感到一阵心酸……

2009年9月6日星期日

忽然醒悟

最近温习Chemistry时,温习到一半哭了。忽然感觉自己在一年半里好像什么也没学过似的,得重头温习到尾。但我发觉其实根本不是这么一回事。我会哭,是因为我的数学考得不好,搞不好会不及格,而chemistry一向就考得不好。我怕...怕退步?不是。那到底怕什么呢?原来我怕的是自己考得很差的话,会输!

这个心理从以前就一直存在。不断地向其他人比较,赢过别人就沾沾自喜。这一直是推动着我考得更好的动力。但我错了...我被虚荣心给迷惑了,连我当初进Form 6时的目的也忘了,彻底地忘了。

记得自己在进Form 6时对自己说过:“我报读Form 6只是为了得到知识,仅此而已。”因为我未来的目标根本不是在理科的领域里。

其实会哭,一半的原因也是因为怕辜负了他人的期望。但想想这样其实是不对的,考试是自己的事,考的好或差,只需要对自己负责,因为未来是自己的。

老实说,考试分数并不能代表什么。尤其是像STPM般把你读了一年半,厚达几千页的知识一次过在几十个试题里测验你的考试方式,根本不能代表什么。这绝大部分不过是在试验着一个人的记性能去到什么程度。考得好,那固然是好;考得差,只能说明你不适合那个系,但不能代表你笨过其他人。

或许可以说我自我安慰,或逃避失败。但对我个人来说,我真的领悟到一件事。读书,是看你可以带走多少知识,而不是看你的分数可以去到多高。

2009年8月14日星期五

经典照片

这是Lee Sien那里得来的照片。
在Bird Park时拍的经典照片。
自觉有必要把经典永远保存下来,因此把它保存在blog里。

这张照片意境很深。
拍下了摔倒的人在那个非常时刻刚巧露出的“开心表情”。
同时也拍下了另一个确实是正感到开心的人的表情,以显示对比。
主题应该类似于玩着,摔着都那么开心。

2009年5月22日星期五

What I expected have never come true.

Firstly,I wonder how fast was Soosan's marking speed?!

We took Maths T paper 1 on Wednesday,and she gave back the paper to us on Friday?!It's too fast,I don't even make up my mind to take back my paper.

This time she really be strict to us.She called out every single person who got wrong in the easy question,such as matrix.Fortunately,she did not scold me.Perhaps I have a great improvement compare to last time.

Anyway,what I expected have never come true.I expected to get a B+ for my maths T.But now my paper 1 just got B.This mean my paper 2 has to score higher,but I'm not that confident in paper 2...

Haiz...In fact,I felt quite frustrated after getting my paper 1.I made a lot of careless mistakes man!And some question was very easy actually,but I thought too much at that time and making my answer complex and wrong.What the heck am I doing at that moment?

By the way,what done is done.I should do revision for other subjects now.

2009年4月25日星期六

Damn you,listening test!

Reading,writing and listening test had just over yesterday.

Well,I tried my best and I felt satisfied with my reading and writing paper though the test is not that easy.

But when came to listening test,I felt very frustrated or should I put angry?I can't listen clearly to the radio as the voice was too soft...And when I reflected my problem to the prefect,she just told me that the volume has reached to maximum and she can't do anything about it.

What the hell is that!Don't tell me her job is just to press play and let the tape works itself till the end of the listening test.Damn!I was frustrated throughout the listening test,cause I can't listen clearly on what the speakers said!

If I can score 10 out of 20 question,I'm relieved already.But would it be possible?

I was feeling to scold the prefects at that time.My MUET teacher told me there will be perfect silent during listening test,but the stupid prefects walked around with her high heels.Don't her know that the sound was so interrupting?

Damn!Damn!Damn!Everything was really pissed me off during the listening test!

Geez...I'm not going to take the test again,the band can't prove anything.To hell the listening test!Holy shit!

2009年4月13日星期一

My hand just injured by pipette on last Friday.

In fact,I'm not going to write this out since it's not really a "big case" to me.But since I'm extremely bored now,so be it.

My hand was injured by pipette on last friday (around 11 a.m.) at S.M.K Seri Garing's Chemistry Laboratory.I wonder how dumb am I.How can I injured my hand by myself.Sigh...I'm always saying a classmate who sit besides me clumsy,but I'm the clumsy after all.

Connect the syringe to a pipette.Isn't that a easy job?Indeed,it's really a easy job,but I made it difficult.Haiz...according to "someone's law" Force=mass x speed (hope I'm wrong even I had given back everything to my physics teacher) And that force is enough to cut a small wound somewhere near my "little finger".Can you imagine how "brutal" am I while conducting an experiment.Though the wound is small,but it non-stop bleeding.To be frank,that really scared me.Not because of the wound,but the non-stop bleeding.

Still remember that after my hand was being cutted by the pipette,"my world" was completely stoodstill for about 2 seconds.Soon after the incident,I was searching for the lab.assistant to get some aid.However,the lab.assistant seem lacking experience in handling this matter.

Anyway,I'm sent to a clinic.Before I continued the story,I must express my gratitude to 2 person first.They are my classmate and my homeroom teacher.Anyway,I should thanks to everybody who raised a hand to me while I'm in trouble.You know...I'm truly a silly in this case.

Well,what happened in clinic is actually not interesting at all.But one thing frightened me.That is when the doctor tried to check my wound.I felt really panic at that moment.After that,the nurse helped me to clean and the wound and so on and the doctor injected my body with anti-tetanus vaccine.The cost was RM 40 which is considered as cheap already.

After that incident,I realized what the old people so called "Be careful can ensure our safety for ten thousand years"

My hand has not healed yet.I heard the nurse said that my wound needs about 1 week to healed.Anyway,I wonder will there be any scar after the skin tissues recover.

2009年3月3日星期二

I'm feeling extremely down...

Today is really a depress day for me...When I heard that there were only 3 people in the class passed mathematics paper,I felt really sad cause I'm not one of them.And today...teacher returned the paper and I really get shocked with my score...A score that did not has any CGPA...

I knew I failed...but at least "lulus sebahagian" which still got 1 to 2< CGPA.However,these is what I get after all...

My luck was very bad since PMR...What I earned was always far away from what I targeted...Perhaps it was really my fault...but I can't accept it!However,reality was reality...it can't never change even though I don't accept it...

"Study hard next time"...It can't be the excuse for my failure...I can't self hypnosis and always tell myself "I will do better next time" as it never work...at least for me...

I felt really guilty now...to my family...to my teacher...and to myself.It's so shame to face it...

I don't want to think this way...and I know I should not think this way.I want to think positively,but I forced to think like these...Everytime I felt confident to score a higher marks,but it always ended up with unexpected marks...

Sometime I felt that I'm really stupid...I did all the questions to earn minimum marks...and others did some of the questions to earn maximum marks...These will make me feel that my paper was full of information,but everything was unwanted trash!

Have I made a wrong decision from the very beginning?I asked myself many times...and still the question remains unknown as I have no idea on it already...

2009年2月25日星期三

I just can't believe it !!

I heard a break news today...which I had failed my mathematics!!

!@#$%^&*()_+ What the heck is that?!I just can't believe it!!Though I put "less effort" on mathematics,but I had struggle for it!I really did "glanced through" my mathematics text books.Geez...this can't be!

Mathematics really makes me frustated...I like it,but I hate it;I hate it,but I like it(what kind of language is this?)...Arghh!!Sometime it's full of joy,sometime it's full of stress...Man...Why...?Tell me why a biology student has to take mathematics as it got no related at all to our main subject!These subject should left for physics students,they are the one who genius in these...

Haiz...fail...what a strange word to me(relax...put away your "banana skin" and egg shell)So far I have never failed mathematics...(notice that additional mathematics is excluded)Grr...I can't let it beat me down as I don't want to being looked down by our "lovely" mathematics teacher-Pn SooSan.

I have made up my mind!I will show you my true power my lovely teacher.So...until the next examination,I will endure any single teasing word that you say!!!!Just wait and see!!!!

2009年2月3日星期二

久违了,诸位。

自开学以来就没有再上部落格写写东西,说说废话了。

Upper 6的生活说忙不忙。不上部落格,纯粹是自己在做其他没营养的事...时间其实更本就是够用得不得了,但我都拿来做些没生产力且令时间流逝地特别快的事。惭愧吗?也不会啊。我又没荒废学业的说,不过是娱乐娱乐,当是放松自己咯(逃避责任的藉口)。

需要塞进大脑的东西又变多了。无论是些用不着的数学程式,说出来90%人也不明的生物学科学字眼,还是同样让人摸不着头脑的化学词。为了STPM,还是得拼...拼命把它塞进脑袋瓜,爱拼才会赢嘛!但是...话说自己以后都不会走这条路了,还得这么委屈自己来把它们记起来,还真是吃力又不讨好。罢了!看在STPM份上唯有上咯。

话说在某些论坛上看到某些前辈们诉说自己那个时代的Form 6生涯,老师教书又好像火箭那么快啦、下课都得挨面包复习啦、上课前大家你抄我功课我抄你report什么的。冒昧地请教下,这是真的吗?为什么此等情景从未在我班上出现过?班上的同学的态度基本上就和度蜜月没太大差别,哪来的那些乱七八糟的现象啊?

总而言之,言而总之。基本上,我是在胡写罢了。最近实在没什么特别的事情想向大家报告。就随意地涂鸦咯。字数都差不多了,我该是功成身退,隐居做回我的御宅族了,掰掰~有缘再回~

2008年11月20日星期四

Lower Six的最终考试成绩出炉!

考试成绩出炉了,虽然不是STPM,但怎么说也是我这一年里的大试,所以我挺注重这个考试的。但是...唉...只能说哭死我了!

我的CGPA才2.7多,离我的目标3以上还差点距离。唉...虽然这次的考试有的科目进步了,也有科目退步了,亦有科目保持在同样的水平。兜兜转转,我的CGPA还是跟上一次考试完全一样,毫无进步!

上一次的考试,我在37个学生里得了个第六名的位置,但却是与另两个女同学共享的(分别是Renuka和Amanda Louis!),因为他们的CGPA与我一样。但这次的考试,她们却双双超越了我,Amanda Louis占了第六名,Renuka占了第七名,而我就被丢去第八名的位置。表示什么?表示她们都有进步,而我却还原地踏步!话说,我在考试以前,还信心满满地向Amanda Louis宣战了呢。现在却落得个loser的“名誉”!哭死我了...

第一名的女生依旧霸占着那个位置,没办法,人家4 flat嘛。
第二名则是坐我隔壁的女生,
第三名是个男生!太好了!话说,上一次考试,前三名都由女生霸占。唉...我在兴奋个什么劲? 我又不是成功为男生“革命”的那一个。
第四名是个马来妹,话说她SPM得了9个A呢,强啊!
第五名是个跳级生,好残忍呐...明明少读我一年书,却聪明过我,不甘心啊。
第六名就是Amanda Louis!哼,看着吧!我会打败你的,你这savage girl!
第七名则是Renuka。好你个Renuka,用可怜攻势来争取分数,以提高CGPA,好...好羡慕啊。下次我也用眼泪攻势好了。
第八名是我= =为什么是第八?!我又不八!!但我又好像有点八...罢了,继续!
第九名是由两个女生共享的,但我跟他们不熟,所以就...送他们个 囧 好了,哈哈...
第十名是副班长,关于她的故事,我也不方便透露太多。话说,她很暴力的!

之后的名次我就没留意了,但当然不会漏了万众期待的那一part...最后一名的公布啦!最后一名将情归谁人呢?是不是很期待?是不是很紧张?是不是很...词穷了!Well,ladies and gentlemen!Let me proudly introduce you...the winner is---------就是出现在郁情日记-我始终还是接受不了你...中我所奚落的那个人。(姑且就先称作为A先生。)

最后一名或第三十六名,创下0.5 CGPA,只有一科在及格边缘,其余都全failed的“帅哥”-A先生!

明明是在用伤情的态度写的,怎么我的用词都那么轻松啊?哈哈...那当然咯,我根本就不当考试是一回事,那我又怎么会感到伤情呢?考试不过是满足我的虚荣心的一种管道,反正会变成如何,我都懒得去多加理会。算了,算了,说真话吧。潜意识里还是感到有点落寞的,毕竟之前的我是那么地信心满满。好了,好了,反正没退步就好,就这么继续吧!唉...好不负责任的自我安慰。总而言之,这一年的考试也算是来到尾声,学生们亦不会再对它有所眷恋。

再见了,2008年里,17岁考,18岁才知晓成绩的Lower Six最终考试。永别了!你将化作尘埃,回归大地,以我焚烧垃圾的能力,与坚决的双手,还有那把心一横的心情。哈哈!永别吧!

2008年11月19日星期三

我始终还是接受不了你...

我绝对可以大声地说,人是美在内涵,而不是美在外观。

对于你,我亦保持着这条原则。然,连内涵亦不怎么样的你,要如何让我接受你?

你本身是个胖子,戴眼镜,双眼无神,就是那种给人第一印想就不怎么好的人。你老早已过了发育时期,声音早已变得粗燥,但你坚持不肯接受这把嗓音,而时常在噪音和幼音间徘徊。这是你给全班同学的第一印象。

随着时间的推动,我们渐渐发现你很爱打瞌睡,而且打瞌睡的姿态还异于他人,整张脸几乎就贴着桌子,这是你给大家的第二印象。

时针的转动从未听过,而大家亦逐渐友好。这时,大家又发现你是个很烦扰的人,老爱向别人询问些有的没的问题,意见。大家都觉得你很烦,很幼稚,这是你给班上的人的第三印象。

集齐这三个印象,大家都对你很反感,而你的名字的曝光率也逐日提升。闲话言语间,你时常被提起,但却是被贬的对象。我听在耳里,亦无可奈何,因为那的确是你的缺点。就算如此,我也是听了算,也不会跟大家一起来数落你,因为我觉得这么做很不好。

几个月后,我才知道原来你的家离我家有段距离,但不大远。而你也决定接下来的日子要和我一起回家。当时,我发觉我们之间的距离缩短了一大截,而这亦意味着你会在我面前暴露更多的缺点。

老实说,你还算是个挺聊得开的人,人品亦算不错。起初,我还挺享受这回家的路程。但是,你却一再地抵触我的界限。虽然,我不讨厌你,但潜意识里我多少也对你感到有点儿反感,可能是你的评价非常低,我下意识地把归类在讨厌的人的名单里吧?

再继续相处下来,我发觉自己真的尽失耐心了。我说过我讨厌别人的碰触,而你却时常触碰到我,以你那汗湿的身体,你却说自己的平衡感不好。我回家时的脚程很快,而你却要我等你,致使我必须龟速回家。你很喜欢找话题,却都是些没营养的话题。跟你讨论话题,你都回答地很幼稚,说些令我反感的话,你是刻意的吗?这世界那么现实,你却说些废话,天晓得我最讨厌别人说废话。在我面前,我发觉你挺喜欢炫耀的,说自己做过IQ测验,IQ达150,那你考试的惨烂成绩是怎么一回事?你说话口齿不清,又变音频频,弄得我很不舒服。然,我是个不轻易伤害别人的人,就算我本身是多么不喜欢一个人,我都是埋在心里,戴着虚伪的面具来面对。

我尝试改变你,我卑鄙地暴露了同学对你的评价,出卖了朋友间对话,虽然那不是什么天大的秘密,但我本身亦感到罪恶感。我对你说了,他们怎么看你,而你又该有什么改变。最后,你却还是本性难移。你在上课时从本来的后座,搬来来了我那一桌,也就是最前面的座位,但也让我更加清楚地看见你打瞌睡的模样。我知道你是不想打瞌睡的,你想学习,但就是想睡。那你也应该知道,我也是不想讨厌你的,但你的所作所为真的很令我反感了,就算我再怎么对自己说我可以接受你,但潜意识里的我早已拒绝了你。

你考了糟糕的成绩,我已经想了办法帮你,跟你说了学习的捷径。但你依旧是老样子,最后一次考试,你的第一张数学试卷竟然得了0分,而你还大眼不愧地说我有1分的,老师漏给了,0分和1分有差别吗?你知道这句话听得我有多气吗?你时常跟我说,我要发奋图强地念书,但你考的是什么成绩?最令我气的是,你说你是IQ150的人!我之前给答的IQ问题,你全答错,而且都是一般人给的错误答案,这样的你是IQ150吗?其实,你的一切都与我无关,但看到一个这么颓废的人,我就感到生气。读不来,就不要上Form 6!浪费时间!浪费青春!我在沮丧自己考得不理想的时候,你还邀我玩,还跟我说些不负责任的话!

你知道吗?我有时候出去家里附近的地方买东西时,曾不期然地碰见你,但我赶紧往另一个方向逃了。那时,我惊讶自己的行为,也开始觉得自己实在不想再容忍了。之后,我就对你淡漠许多。回家的铃声一响,我就冲出校门赶巴士,为的就是避开你,却没成功过几次。你应该有所发现的吧?却假装没发现?

最近,我想你不想发现,也必定会发现。我已经懒得理你了,假装你不存在。然,当你厚脸皮地靠过来时,我还是勉强地答你的话,因为我不想那么残忍,亦残忍不来。

如今回想,我才发觉当初的自己原来那么了不起。大家都说你恶心,龌龊,我却能容忍你。老实说,我没批评过你的相貌,因为那时天生的,但当你的性格亦不好时,我还是会下意识地把你的容貌亦一起算进去,加深我对你的反感。

我很矛盾,想让你看见这篇文章,却也不想。你在班里已经不得人缘了,我不知道连我也表明拒绝你时,你会怎么样。我不敢想象!

我...始终还是接受不了你...虽然我没说出口,但不知不觉这股反感的感受已日渐加强。当你知道真相时,希望你别怪我,也希望你能好好检讨自己。不能说全是你的错,可能我也得负起一定的责任,但在你还未发现这件事情时,我们虚伪的友情还是可以继续的,但你永远也不会摸到我的真心,就在那天来临以前,让这个真相埋藏于此...

2008年11月14日星期五

Oh my goodness! I get sunburn!!

Though I have forgotten what date was the event happened,but I will never forget what happen on me on that day,and the impact leave!

That day was MSSD Kabbadi competition.I,as the sport prefect have to prepare several things on that day.It was really a tired day for me,taking the heavy materials here and there,arranging the needed materials for the competition,announcing the teams to get ready,helping the judges to jot down the marks,bringing the lunch box for my partners,teachers and also the judges and many more!!

Unfortunately,the weather was extremely hot and the sunlight was very strong on that day.The partners who worked with me were girls,therefore they prepared their own umbrella to avoid the UV rays.Well,I bring my umbrella too,but I lazy to use it,cause I don't know how danger is the UV ray.Thus,I have my sunlight bath for almost the whole day at the field.

Suddenly,I felt that my neck was pained.My friends told me I was affected by UV ray and causing sunburn.By the time,I though it only affected my neck,but after a few minutes,I felt the same pain on both of my hands.Oh my goddess!!I'm so unlucky,but it's not actually true,cause I never avoid it.That's why causing sunburn.Haizz...it's no time for me to regret,the competition was still going on.I got no time to care about it,so I just ignored it.

Can you imagine how poor am I?Working hardly below the sun with unhealthy condition.I felt pain,but I can't just run away from there.I'm not that kind of person!Well,I think I'm just torturing myself,but at least I finished my job.However,I made a decision to escape from there,though the competition was still going on.It was not my fault.It was the organizer's fault.The competition should start on 9.30a.m.However,it delayed till 10.30a.m only started.The head of sport prefects promised me to let me go on sharp 5.00p.m,but I did my job till 5.30p.m.At that time,most of my partners had gone back to home and leaving us(around 10 person)to go on our job.I felt that I can't withstand anymore,the pain was getting serius,man!How can you withstand anymore?

Finally,I with my another on duty friend namely Amanda Louis made the decision to left immediately.But both of us were timid,we didn't dared to tell our head,we scared she will get angry and scold us.Well,it was suprised that our head let us go without any suspicious feeling.I really felt guilty on that time.How can I left my friends there to work double as we left?However,I really felt tired,and I was not going to withstand anymore,so please forgive me my friends.I'm not purposely to left you guys there to work so hard.Wish you guys will forgive me and Amanda ya,since we worked so hard as well what.Hehe...

After I reached to home,I felt like I was released.Released from a torture place(maybe it's over,but I think this is the most suitable words).I took my bath and slept after that.At that night,I found that my face,my hands,my neck were totally became dark in colour.The skin had death!Mitosis will change the new skin for me,the injured skin will disappear one day.This is where nightmare come true,my skin's colour will become very ugly than!Some part had changed into new skin which is white colour,but some part was still in dark colour,it was so ugly,man!

Haiz...well...the nightmare came to the end finally.Almost all my damaged skin had changed into new skin.These memory really impressed me,it causing a deep impact to me.I will never forget about it.How suffer am I in this Kabbadi competition.Haiz...what a tired day...

2008年11月4日星期二

落寞迎接考试成绩

年终考试成绩已在不知不觉中出炉了...

看着手中的成绩,失望的情绪不断涌现...翻阅了无数次考卷,检查了再检查,看了再看。结局似乎早已定夺...中庸的成绩不禁使我悲从中来...

同样是考试,差别不大的成绩,可这次我却感到特别失望...

原先信心满满地交上考卷,之后期待万分地等待考卷,到现在的落寞地接受残酷的结局...我不知道该以什么表情来接受它......

考试,一直以来是我所烦恼的,但亦是我所热爱的。考试可以让我知道自己的实力到哪里,也可以跟同学间互相比较,但它却是厌烦的。

推动我热爱考试的原动力是虚荣心。潜意识里我之所以有考高分的动力,是因为当我告诉同学我的成绩时,我无需胆怯,害怕,丢脸。我想让人看见,我是多么的聪明,虽然我很少努力过。但这次的成绩却教我痛彻心扉,因为它将我的虚荣心击碎了,不留余地的那种。我有哭泣的冲动,但我知道自己是不会哭的,因为考试对我而言没那种影响力。反正成绩出炉以后,留下的只有无限的空虚。一旦成绩被公布以后,它的下场之会落得无人问尊,所以...我想通了......

虽说对于分数的执着已大不如前,但伤心却是难免的。当你很有信心的完成某件事时,当你非常期待出来的效果时,如果是出乎你意料之外的,你会开始质疑,之后演变成不满,再来就是沮丧,最后也不过是落得空虚,所以...无需执着了,反正...别人也不屑一顾。满足的,也不过是自己的虚荣心。

我是知道的,虽然这句话说起来是那么地不负责任,但我会继续努力,毕竟路是自己选的,走完它就是自己的责任,就算半途而废,我想也不会有任何人责怪自己,因为他们从不在你的路上出现过。走的人,自始至终都只有自己...

2008年10月25日星期六

人生中的小人

小人是人生里必定出现的角色,而这种人没有固定出现的时期,“他”可以出现在我们人生的任何阶段里,而我生命中的第一个小人就出现在我未发觉的时候。

“他”在我小学时就已出现了,但当时我们还不认识,虽然会见面,但从不谈话。

升上中学以后,“他”的名字依然在我的人生剧本里出现,虽然我们认识了,但话不多,以至于我不太了解他的性格。

遗憾地,“他”在中六时和我同班了,这时我才意识到“他”到底是怎样一个人。

我觉得“他”的性格非常鲜明,不似我般虚假。他做什么事都大刺刺,完全不会去考虑到别人的心情。喜欢就喜欢,不喜欢就不喜欢,当中没夹带任何杂质,遗憾地也因为这样,他的性格和讨人厌。

“他”的心情阴昏不定,心情也常常都很差,态度也很不好,更重要的是他很自我。

跟这种人相处的我,训就出一身“面具”。

每天和她相处时,我会留意她今天的心情如何,我应该要如何应对,再调节出一面最适合配戴的面具。因此,我的人和假,尤其对“他”的时候,更假。

他从来不会和我客气。他要借笔记,我就得借。理所当然地,当一个朋友跟你借东西,你大致上都会借,但问题是在礼仪方面。他要就要,语气似女王般地不容拒绝。可我呢?我跟他借些东西甚至于我要回自己的东西,我都得卑微地“请”他还回我的东西。虽然心里不是滋味,但我从来不明说。

他的脾气很可怕,老是不按理出牌。但在我看来,他这种性格应该叫“易变形三八”。每当我有问题想请教他时,他都老大不爽地叫我不要烦他,而且他最可怕之处在于越骂越大声,好似唯恐全班人不知道他正在不爽中。我是没关系的,反正错不在我,是他自己要发疯,但引来朋友的“关心”,还是会有点不好意思的。离谱的是,当我向另一位朋友请教问题时,他却抢着要答。几次之后,我掌握到这招了。所以我才说他的性格是“易变形三八”,问他,他不答;问他人,他强着答。这种性格还真叫人无语。

他很爱聊人是非,也很用于在是非者面前聊是非。他不喜欢某些友族朋友,他就会其他人面前包括我高谈是非,说别人怎么差,怎么衰。就算他骂的人就在隔壁,由于对方听不明他的语言,他照骂不误,完全没有罪恶感跟恐惧感。陶醉于骂人中,沉醉于损人中,这是他每天必做的活动(我见不到他的日子除外)。由于我是个不忍心看别人唱独角戏的人,唯有不定时地应他几句,伴伴唱。但良心的谴责,还真叫我痛苦万分,所以就演变成我的回答中只有无语的微笑,还有嗯,哦,原来之类再见段不过的应话。

他说我烦,其实他更烦。遇到不喜欢老师的课,他选择说没营养的话,浪费自己还有他选择谈废话的对象的时间。我就是经常被他选中的对象。对我来说,学习的环节上最重要的就是要专心听老师的课,后续工作才会变得轻松,而他这个噩梦就偏偏要缠上我。我唯有分身乏术地边听课,边给他反应。他的烦,他自己好似浑然不知。但离谱的是,在上他最喜欢的科目的课时,我只不过问他某些我不大明白的部分,他却说我很烦,烦着他上课。他在说这话时,有知觉吗?我问他的是课业的问题,他和我说的是没营养的课题。我都奉陪他的废话了,为什么他会变成他说我烦?相比这人饮水时,想的不是这水从哪里来,而是想这水是为我而生的吧?

他说话很绝,是我的朋友群里说话最不留余地的人。我本身喜欢粉色的东西,所以我买的雨伞是粉橙色的。某天放学时,天空突下狂雨,于是我便拿出雨伞来准备。没想到,他看见后,竟然很自然并笑着说“很nabeh”(娘娘腔的意思)。由此可见,这些话他是常挂口边的。我只是笑笑地对他说我喜欢粉色的东西。其实我很想骂他“积点口德吧”,但想想还是算了,退一步海阔天空,我是这么走过来的,所以我选择一笑置之。

他很不听教,自以为是。在几次受了他的脾气后,某天我们又发生口角。我们是坐在两隔壁的。放脚的地方很窄,但我已经让了3/4的地方给他,他却说我阻碍他,叫我闪边凉开去。有道理的事,我会做的,但他分明就是霸道,所以我便跟他据理力争。怎知道,他却说我能坐在那个位子,是托他的福的,现在他要我滚去其他地方,一个不方面看白板的地方。(那个位子听课清楚,也方面看白板)最后,我不知打哪来的勇气吐出了我对的不满,我也劝他改过,谁知道他竟然很幼稚地一直说些废话来阻止我的说话,见他那么愚痴,我也懒得再跟他计较。隔天,我就换了位子。

他这个人非常自以为是,讨厌任何跟他作对的东西,谁和她过不去,他就以黑脸待人外加在说你坏话。他真的很要不得!他这类小人,自以为老板,非常对人指指点点,用命令的语气来指示你做这,做那。我是他的谁?我理应受这些气的吗?他是我的谁?他可以乱骂我的吗?

写这遍文章主要是为了发泄我的情绪。我很怕...怕有一天我一直以来所压抑的情绪会爆发,怕到时候我不再是我。就算一个人多会控制自己的情绪,但人的忍耐也是有极限的。为了防止任何可怕的可能性会发生,我选择少跟他接触。

不幸的是,我都已尽量避开跟他的接触,但他还是喜欢缠过来。由于他是个诸事八卦的人,所以他总是有考试成绩的第一手消息。我哪里被老师减了分,他就特地跟我报告,还特地损我一番,说我活该,被老师扣分之类的废话!但那又如何?他考出来的成绩还不是差过我?

他也很爱炫耀。什么都要现。自己得到了某本免费的参考书也要炫,得哪个老师的欢心也要炫,自己做的笔记整齐也要妶!我没那个心情听他炫,但他还是要自我称赞一番。

关于他其他讨人厌的性格,真是多不胜数!总结来说,他就是那种只会想到自己的人,完全没有站在别人的立场想的自我主义者。但可耻的是他竟然骂过某某人没有站在别人的立场想过。在他说这句话时,我心想他还真厚颜无耻。

我有拿这件事跟我的哥哥谈过,哥哥问我会不会是因为家庭因素,而造成他现在的性格?我心想就算是家庭因素也会有个限度吧?但他的性格简直是叫人不敢恭维。朋友与朋友之间,相处的方式大都是较虚伪点的,无论如何也不会随便出口伤人的,但他呢?我正怀疑他有没有家教的,虽然这样想是不好,但又读过圣贤之书外加家教良好的人都不应该是这样的,就算自己心情不好,也绝不会迁怒于朋友。但他呢?简直是可耻,可恨又可悲。可耻于他自以为是、可恨于他自大傲慢、可悲于他愚痴无礼。

对他这种人,我选择沉默。就让他出社会后自生自灭吧。他这种人,以同等或低于他身份的角色来跟他说理是没用的,就让他尝尝被在他之上的人调教调教他。

小人是生命里肯定会出现的角色。虽然讨厌,但我庆幸“他”出现在我求学时期,让我能早点面对社会里必定出现的人物。现在就出现最猛的,以后的那些也比较好应付。只能说,小人是我们生命力的考验。要战胜这个考验,也只能运用我们的智慧。